4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
