ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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