Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
