pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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