i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
