dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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