hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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