You're completely useless in the revolution.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
