i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
