there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
