he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
