Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
