Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
