Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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