Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
