I think I won the penis lottery.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
