I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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