I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
