Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
We just shotgunned beers for America
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
