3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
