I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
