Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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