so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I would ride that face into the sunset
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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