The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
