Kiss
Puke
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
