If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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