Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
