I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
