Sry I called you an 8
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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