She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
