I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
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