I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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