oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
