if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Barsexuality is the new black.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
