Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
