Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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