At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
