Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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