I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
