Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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