Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
