i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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