First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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