I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
