Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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