Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Randomize
