Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Randomize
