Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
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