i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
