My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Randomize
